


half alive

by midoriwrites



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Beta Read, Suicidal Thoughts, can be interpreted as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 12:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30055581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriwrites/pseuds/midoriwrites
Summary: Every day, Ren goes up to the edge of the school roof, watching the sunset. Alone.(takes place in high school, sorta au)
Relationships: Nanahoshi Ren/Shiroishi Banri
Kudos: 7





	half alive

People slowly pass by below him, in clusters. Sunlight hits the strands of blue hair framing his face, making them glow. When did it get this long? The quiet shock of his self-neglect strikes him. He doesn't even know what he looks like. He hasn't seen a mirror in weeks.

The light flares into his lenses. The wind nips at his stained paper face. His eyes flutter closed. His heart pumps faster.

He'd never do it. Not in a million years. That's what he tells himself every time he comes out here. No matter how hollow the cheap, thin husk of his body became, he would never throw his life away. Coming up to the roof every day had proved that.

He's a soft, pitiful coward. He clings to fragile life. He believes in hope and dreams still, in music and that feeling in his heart he couldn't forget. Yet... nobody shares his sentiments. His abysmal way with words cuts off every opportunity. He repels people.

He doesn't know when it became so painful. Loneliness carves out his insides, and the callousness of his classmates scrapes at his hollow shell. He can hardly sing like he used to.

Choir club meetings that never came. An angry, threatening note in his locker. The way his classmates made efforts to avoid him. Laughter and whispered comments as he passed by. Then, a slew of silent threats that never stopped. Not once did someone extend a hand. Any interest in his life was superficial, fleeting, forgettable.

Is he truly needed anywhere?

The day wanes every moment he stands. The sunset reflects off his thick-framed lenses. His hollow heart echoes with a familiar song.

He wants to sing.

No matter how many times it's been ripped from him, he clings to his voice. He's a coward who believes in miracles. He would never kill himself.

The sky shifts from orange to pink and purple.  
A subtle light bounces off his lens now. The moon has risen. The night is born.

He sits down, his legs meeting rough cold flooring. He doesn't want to go home quite yet. He's ashamed of his parents watching him grow sour and quiet, and tired of explaining his boring, useless days. It's a slap in the face every time.

Thoughtlessly, he brings a hand to his face. His hair is unkempt, his lips are chapped. His skin is gross and rough. His arms are getting thinner. He and his dreams are half dead.

Half.

He pulls out his phone. A small Star Red charm dangles from the case. He takes it between his thumb and index finger.

Softly, he whispers out a melody. It's more of a hum because of how inarticulate his words are... but it's a start.

His small voice gradually grows louder, reverberating through the metal and floorimg around him. It's such a simple song. He could almost laugh. The melody carries on and his voice wavers, lyrics flowing out as if they're a battle cry.

He stands up, cutting off his private performance. His breath falters.

"The idiots at this school don't deserve talent like yours," a voice says.

He almost stops breathing.

He's alone. He... was alone. He has to be hallucinating, right? No one ever comes up here. These roof trips are making him lose his mind.

Frantically, he scans the area. There's not a sign of anyone else. His eyes widen.

...Is he dead? Did he... do it?

"...God?"

The rooftop suddenly echoes with hysterical laughter. He's still, heart and mind racing. Neither can keep up.

A figure peeks out from behind the staircase door. He can hardly see in the dim moonlit scape, so he turns on his phone's flashlight.

Caught in the light is a short boy, his blonde bangs cut straight across, probably no older than Ren himself. An oversized gray jacket falls over his perfectly worn school uniform.

"Yo," the boy held up a hand, completely unfazed.

"Ah." Ren's face flushes instantly.

"Sorry for interrupting your singing. I felt like i needed to say something... you look like you're about to explode!"

....what?

"I don't mean to scare you at all, I'm sorry." He pulls out two water bottles from his jacket. "Do you want a drink?"

Confusion fills the air between them. Ren parts his lips, words on the tip of his tongue, but then looks down instead.

He could run. He could sprint towards the doors behind the boy, forgetting everything, leaving that stupid roof behind forever. But he's thirsty, and he's alone. He nods.

The blonde boy approaches him, holding out the water bottle. Reluctantly, Ren takes it.

He down looks at the bottle. It threatens him, no, dares him, to drink, and accept what should be a kind gesture. His hand starts to shake.

"You weren't thinking of jumping, right?"

His words slice through the air. Ren flinches, his breath catching in his throat.

He grimaces. "N-No. I actually w-wasn't. I..."

Each word is a toll on his breath.

"I can't."

He hears the boy shuffle slightly.

"That's good." He laughs. "I didn't think you would anyway. I would've come out sooner if I did."

He looks up at the boy, shock stamping itself onto him. Sooner? Has this boy been watching him?

The boy's expression is unreadable. He's smiling, but it doesn't reach his eyes. They're empty. But Ren doesn't feel threatened by him at all.

"I used to come up here every day, alone. I'd never do it. I looked below me and it scared me more than anything else, so I looked at the sky instead."

"Why d-did you... come out here then?"

The boy's smile drops. "My sister tried, a few years back. She's better now. But I never understood, and I kept trying. It terrifies me that my siblings- well, anyone- would want to spend their last moments alone on a cold ass school roof."

The boy looks away from him, turning his gaze to the moon. He laughs again.

"It's a little pathetic of me, I think. The first time you came up here, I was terrified out of my mind. I didn't have a clue what to do. But all you did was stand, look down, and then turn away and look at the sky. I stood behind the door and watched you through the window and you never did anything, so I figured you were like me."

He turns back to Ren, smiling. "This is the first time I've heard you sing, though! You're really good. I asked some people about you after I saw you that day. It made me realize people here are shit. And now I get why some people prefer to be alone even when they could use some company."

Ren feels his face heat up. "You think I'm good?"

The boy laughed again, but this time, it was genuine, like the first thundering laugh he heard before he revealed himself. "You're amazing, honestly. You should be a professional vocalist or something. If you're good at something, never do it for free."

Ren smiles. "Ah... thank you."

He feels something flutter in his chest. The words coming out of his mouth don't feel like bullets anymore. He feels... peaceful. Content.

"Ah, sorry, what's your name? I don't think I've seen you around."

"Banri. Shiroishi Banri. I'm a transfer student. Pleasure to finally meet you, Nanahoshi."

He extends his free hand to shake. Ren reaches, but looks down to see his phone in one hand and the unopened water bottle in the other.

Banri laughs again, and this time, Ren joins him.

"Ehehe... This is way too formal, Ren-kun. Can I call you Ren-kun?"

He nods eagerly.

Banri smiles softly. "I'd like to hear your side of the story, if you don't mind. Seeing you here, like this... those rumors mean nothing."

"Rumors..." Ren's gaze falls to the floor again, his expression souring.

"Hey, hey, like I said, they're meaningless. This school's crawling with idiots. You're better than them."

"I-I don't think I'm better than anybody!" The words stumble from his lips, but they're heavy. "I..." he sighs, "...I don't wanna be above anyone. I just wanted to sing... I wanted friends who have dreams like me. In the choir club, no one had that passion. I ruined their peaceful club life... and... when I realized, it was too late."

Ren's hands start to shake again as he recalls everything. Anger bubbles in his chest, at himself, for being so emotional over seemingly nothing. Everyone deals with loneliness... with misunderstandings, and communication issues. Sure, his classmates give him a hard time, but he's heard of worse. He's never had a friend before, but his life is normal and mundane. To even think he should die over this is pathetic. He's pathetic.

"It's nothing to want to... die over..." he tightens his grip on the water bottle, trying to control his shaking.

"It might not be, but it still affects you," Banri says. "It's part of something bigger. Singing means a lot to you, right? It's your passion."

"It's... all I can do, really." His cheeks flush pink, in shame. "But I think I'd like to reach people with my voice, if I can. Music speaks more than just words, at least for me. I want to inspire people, and... remind them they aren't alone."

"Are you alone?"

A pause.

Ren's jaw tightens.

"...I don't have a problem with being alone."

"You know, it's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to want to connect with people." Ren isn't looking, but he can feel Banri's stare boring into him.

"People... don't want to be friends with me. I'm not going to force anyone. I'm okay by myself now." His words come out with a bitter edge. His heart simmers, as if it could burst any second.

"I want to be friends with y-"

"You don't!" He loses his grip on the water bottle. His breath catches in his dry throat, making him cough. Banri reaches to help steady him, but he flinches away.

"Stop- you're... lying to yourself..." he chokes out in between coughs and the beginnings of sobs. "You're pitying me, and you don't ha-have to. I'm fine by my...self, I've always been fine. Don't trouble yourself with m-me."

Unsteadily, he lunges towards the double doors behind Banri. A hand grips his wrist, pulling him back and throwing him off balance completely. He loses footing and crashes into Banri's chest, pushing them both to the floor.

The light from his discarded phone is gone. The buzz of the roof's fans and machinery is ten times louder. He's sitting on the cold floor, again, and his palms are skinned from trying to break his fall.

A sob chokes out of his throat.

In his overwhelmed state, he almost forgets Banri's behind him. He sinks into the warmth of Banri's chest without meaning to, trying to calm his heaving breaths and the stream of tears flowing down his face. Slowly, Banri snakes his arms around Ren's torso. He tenses his jaw, burying his head in Ren's shoulder. Ren settles into his embrace, and Banri can feel the violent tremble in his thin frame. He tightens his hold. His own throat starts to feel dry.

The two stay holding each other as time passes around them. The stars glitter above them, as if they're watching, as if they know.

Ren's scattered, strained sobs echo in the metal around them. Banri's chest aches with each cry that rips from his throat. Carefully, he slips an arm away from his embrace, reaching for Ren's arm. He slides a hand down, fingertips ghosting Ren's chafed hand, and gingerly rubs small circles against the side with his thumb.

Ren's cries start to fade. His breath is still labored, and his arms continue to shake.

“P... Pathetic...” Ren mumbles. “I don’t even know you, and I’m crying in your arms like this...”

Banri holds him tighter. “Hey, it’s okay.” He slides his hand over, to intertwine his fingers with Ren’s. “How about we get to know each other, then?”

Ren seems to curl in on himself a little. “I don’t know... how to be friends.”

“I can show you. I won’t judge at all, I promise.”

He feels Ren stiffen.

Suddenly, he whips himself around, balancing his weight on his knees, clinging to Banri for dear life. His grip engulfs him, surrounds him, with strength only years of loneliness could build. But he didn’t need to be strong anymore.

Alone, together, on the roof, the two lean into each other, writing a new beginning. Silently, the stars watch, content. They glitter brighter, so that fate might let their story continue.

-

A week later, the roof is a distant memory. The dim light comes instead from the television in his room, playing a rerun of a Star Five episode. The screen illuminates a forgotten Lucky Pierrot bag with a few stray fries left in it, a table with two soft drinks on it, and two boys wrapped up in the same blanket on the couch, peacefully asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first fic so i apologize if it’s a little out of character. i tried my best given the subject matter. feel free to comment any thoughts :)


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